I’m not gay, I’m trans.

BY Geaux Girl!

August was born a girl but never saw himself as one. He came out as trans in middle school and started his journey from female to male, which has included hormone replacement therapy to deepen his voice. August plans to have “top surgery” this summer so he can enter college with a masculine chest that matches his gender identity. August spoke to Geaux Girl! about his experiences as a young trans person in New Orleans.

August (16) is a junior at a magnet school in Jefferson Parish.

When did you realize that you felt male although you were born female?

I was probably three or four. I remember my mom trying to put these huge pink bows in my hair. I hated it and would cry and yell. It’s always been a feeling that was just there, but I didn’t think much about it until fourth or fifth grade when I started realizing most of the other kids weren’t thinking like I was and feeling the way I did. I remember going to all these sleepovers for my female friends and they would all want to do their hair and makeup, and I was the weird kid that collected bugs. Everybody else would fit in. All the boys were playing sports, the girls were more interested in makeup. Everyone was invested in having some kind of romantic relationship. And I just remember feeling that I was sick and needed to go to the doctor to get a shot that would fix it. Most of my friends were – and still are – female so I was surrounded by girls who were going through these changes and really appreciated everything that was going on and I was not having it. I didn’t enjoy any of those physical changes. Going into middle school, I started having severe anger issues. I didn’t understand why this would happen to me, what was wrong with me. Instead of opening up about how I felt, I just decided to get angry at everybody – especially at my family. I guess you have to blame somebody.

When did you come out?

I came out to my mom when I was 13. Well, I came out as gay first because I wanted to test the waters and see how things were gonna go. Six months later I was like, “No, I’m not gay, I’m trans.” And my mom was like, “Oh, this makes a lot of sense.” She knew what that was because she’s a social worker. And then we found a therapist and things have been much better since. But for a couple of years I was angry and I just hated everybody. I think most trans people don’t come out to their family first, but my mom and I have always had a strong bond even though I was angry. I think if anything, my anger made her reach out more. You hear all the horror stories so of course that’s where my mind went – “I’m not gonna have a house. I’m not gonna have a family” – but I trusted her.

Did your mom then tell the rest of the family or did you have a big coming out meeting with the whole family?

I had one big coming out meeting with my mom’s side of the family. It was a scheduled dinner at my grandma’s house in Baton Rouge. My mom scheduled it and was as secretive as possible about the purpose. My grandma instantly jumped to conclusions and thought I had cancer. She was so relieved when I told her what was really going on. I was most worried about my grandfather. He is this conservative Catholic man who only votes Republican. I remember sitting in a chair in front of everybody and saying, “I’m just worried you’re not going to love me anymore.” It was the first time I had ever seen him cry. And he was like, “I cannot believe you would ever think that I wouldn’t love you.” So he was great. My whole family on my mom’s side was great, which is not the typical reaction trans people get. But it is typical for trans people that they have one person they are really worried about and that person will surprise them. I have a really crazy strong family support system. Anybody who has made any rude comments or has actively tried to be hateful, my parents are like, “We don’t need you in our child’s life.

How did your friends and other kids at school react?

I wasn’t too worried. I had known most of my friends since first grade and all of them were
wonderful. All of them were like, “We knew something was up, but we didn’t know what. We’re
relieved that you’re coming to us, that you trust us.” I think they were also relieved to have me back as a friend because I had withdrawn myself for a couple of months before I came out. There were a few people I wasn’t as close with who were like, “What is that? We don’t get it. We don’t want you in our bathrooms.” But eventually they saw that’s not all it’s about. I think when you get to know somebody who is part of a community that you don’t like, you change your mind a little bit. So at school I didn’t have any major problems. Nobody there is hateful for no reason. Some people were ignorant, but they got on board and just needed to be informed.

Sounds like you’ve felt very supported all along?

Any kind of lack of support was all in my head. You hear all those stories and I prepared myself for the worst, but overwhelmingly it was acceptance over everything else, which unfortunately I don’t think is common. I wish it was. I wish everyone had that positive experience, but I think people just don’t understand.

What’s the most annoying misconception about trans people?

I think there’s definitely fear that comes with anything you don’t know a lot about. So people are like, “That’s not real. That doesn’t exist.” If you’ve never questioned your gender, it’s just such a foreign idea. A lot of people don’t even know what trans people are. They get it confused with cross-dressing. So once you explain to people what it is and that it’s recognized medically and scientifically and that there’s so much more that they don’t even know, they are like, “Wow, I thought you just wanted to wear this kind of clothing.” I think it’s just a miscommunication a lot of times.

Are you allowed to use the boys’ restroom at your school?

I opted to use the faculty restrooms. I’m allowed to use the boys’ restroom, but I thought it would be more fair for people who had known me since fist grade as female. I played it safe. And it worked out for me because the faculty restrooms are actually nicer!

There must have been very difficult times too though?

Oh, absolutely. It’s scary when you’re first coming out. It was the hardest thing I’ve done for sure. I did not have the confidence and I did not have the information to speak out. It would have been really nice to know that I’m not alone. That’s where support groups like LTA and BreakOUT! help kids. When I came out, I had never met a trans person in real life. It was all through YouTube and Google. So I knew these people existed, but it feels like you’re completely alone. And I know that parents whose kids come out feel just as alone. They probably feel like they have failed as parents. I’ve asked my mom why she thinks parents disown their LGBT kids and she has no idea. She can’t imagine not ever loving her kid. For her it was a no-brainer. She was like, “Either I’d lose you or I tried to learn, grow with you, and accepted who you are.” But I know she did go through a mourning process. In her head it was the loss of her daughter.
Besides my family and friends, what got me through was having an outlet. For me it was music. I play bass clarinet, guitar, piano, harp… any musical instrument I can get my hands on. It was a really good distraction when I didn’t think I’d make it through the night. And my mom would always tell me, “If you can’t make it through the day, you can make it through an hour. If you can’t make it through an hour, you can make it through ten minutes. If you can’t make it through ten minutes, you can make it through a minute.”

What have your experiences with hate been?

Fortunately, I’m a “male-passing” individual, but a lot of my friends in the trans community do not pass as the gender they are presenting as. So if we go out, we get side eyes. Sometimes people scream stuff, like “tranny” or “faggot”. Pride parades are really bad. It’s a good experience because you get to stand with the community, but the radicals come out and scream, and they’ve got their signs. It feels like you are completely “othered” by society. Some-times it feels like nobody is with us. I think society in general isn’t necessarily accepting of transgender people, but New Orleans is actually a really, really good place to be.

What’s the most annoying misconception about trans people?

The special snowflake stereotype gets to me, claiming that we’re just doing it for attention and that being trans is not a real thing. No part of me has ever felt feminine, and to have people who have no idea tell me that I’m lying is really annoying.

How can young people be allies?

Probably the biggest way is just talking to people. I know people who want to be allies have a lot of questions. If someone wants to know something and support the LGBT community, I sit down with them and have a conversation. It’s about helping people realize that we’re humans, that we’re not what they heard on the news.

What encouraging words would you give someone who is just now starting to embrace their gender identity and isn’t living his or her authentic self yet?

The biggest thing I needed to hear at that stage was, “You’re not broken. You’re not sick. You are not unlovable. And you have people.” Even if you don’t have your family, you have this whole community that is more than willing to support you. I especially needed to hear that nothing was wrong with me. I felt so alone and sick. It doesn’t feel like it’s gonna be okay at all for a while, but eventually you make some progress and it starts to feel okay. I’m not saying everything is going to be magical, but get over the hump and live your truth.

Resources

Want to talk to someone or know somebody who needs support? Here are some hotlines and local organizations that help LGBTQ youth and their allies.
THE TREVOR LIFELINE: 1-866-488-7386
LGBT NATIONAL YOUTH TALKLINE: 1-800-246-7743
NATIONAL SUICIDE PREVENTION HOTLINE: 1-800-784-2433

Louisiana Trans Advocates (LTA) strengthens and supports transgender and allied communities across the state through social support, education, empowerment, and advocacy. LTA operates support group meetings that are open to all persons regardless of age or stage of transition.
Best way to contact LTA is via Facebook, @latransadvocates

BreakOUT! seeks to end the criminalization of LGBTQ youth to build a safer and more just New Orleans. BreakOUT! has a youth drop-in space and office where they hold weekly meetings and events. The space is typically open Monday-Tuesday 10am-6pm, Wednesday 1-6pm, and Thursday-Friday 10am-6pm.
BreakOUT! is located at 4327 Canal Street; you can also call them, (504) 252-9025, or find them on Facebook, @YouthBreakOUT

PFLAG is the nation’s largest family and ally organization, uniting LGBTQ people with families, friends, and allies. PFLAG New Orleans is located in Metairie and they offer monthly meetings that are open to everyone on the second Thursday of each month at 7:30pm at the Congregation Gates of Prayer, 4000 W. Esplanade Avenue.
You can call PFLAG New Orleans, (504) 862-5912, or send them an email, info@pflagno.org