No Means No

I’ve heard of consent, but what does it actually mean?

Consent is an enthusiastic “yes!” for a sexual act. When both parties are super excited for what’s about to happen and talk about their boundaries and what they are comfortable with, that’s consent. If someone doesn’t give their consent, that is sexual assault. Consent must be given for each sexual act and can be taken back at any point. This means that you can consent to one thing, like over-the-clothes touching, but not consent to another thing, like going under the clothes, and that you can decide halfway through that you no longer want to do something.

There are certain situations when someone is unable to say yes, or when they aren’t fully able to comprehend a situation, so they can’t consent. If someone is under the influence of drugs or alcohol, they are unable to consent. Sometimes a person can’t fully consent because of a power difference in a relationship. For instance, if someone’s boss tries to have sex with them and they are afraid they will get fired if they don’t say yes, then that isn’t real consent. These power differences can be explicit, such as between a teacher and a student, or more implicit, such as between someone older and someone younger and less experienced. If you are afraid to say no, or feel pressured or coerced, that is not consent.

How do I have these conversations without being awkward?

Let’s face it, exploring your sexuality with another person can be awkward. You are making yourself vulnerable with another person, which is actually part of the fun! Having conversations about consent, including what you like and dislike, can help you build trust with a potential partner, and can show you if this is someone you really want to go further with. If they don’t seem to want what you want, don’t respect your boundaries or are pressuring you, you can say “thank you, next!” and move on to someone whom you can trust.

It is helpful to have conversations about consent before you are hooking up with someone, instead of in the heat of the moment. Normalize talking about the things you do and don’t want to do. These conversations can be fun and sexy. Remember, it is the responsibility of both partners to get consent every step of the way. Check in periodically with your partner by asking if they are okay, or if they want to go further. Pay attention to their body language. If they look uncomfortable or like they are scared, ask!

My boyfriend keeps pushing me to go further than just kissing and I don’t know if I’m ready!

If your boyfriend is pressuring you to do things you aren’t comfortable with, you need to tell him, and he needs to listen. Have a conversation about your boundaries. Exploring sex and sexuality is a lifelong process; there is no rush to try anything before you’re ready. You have your whole life to experiment, and if your boyfriend is a good partner, he will be okay with waiting until you’re ready. Our culture sends some pretty messed up messages about consent. Oftentimes boys are told that girls “play hard to get” and that they just need to keep trying until she finally says yes. This is a really dangerous myth. If someone needs to wear you down and ask over and over again, that is coercion, not consent.

My crush asked me to send a sexy picture and I feel weird about it!

If you feel hesitant, then you aren’t ready to consent! It may feel like sexual activity that’s not in person isn’t real, but it is. Someone crossing a boundary via text message or social media can be just as harmful and hurt just as much. Always take time to think through your actions and potential consequences. Instead of trying to just please your crush, focus on the things you want to do. Respond with something you are comfortable with, such as “I can’t wait to dance with you at the party on Friday!”

When it comes to sexting, there are generally more cons than pros. Your pictures may get shared beyond the person they were intended for or used against you after a bad breakup. Sexting can be a healthy and exciting part of a mature relationship, but more often than not, sending a sexy picture means taking a big risk—even if it was done consensually.

Someone crossed a boundary and made me do something I didn’t want to do. Help!

If someone did something sexual without your consent, that is sexual assault and it is wrong. This person chose to cross a boundary and hurt you, and all of the fault lies with them. There is nothing you possibly could have done to deserve sexual assault. Tell an adult you trust, such as a family member or teacher. You can always call a 24/7 sexual assault hotline to get help. You are not alone, and this is not your fault. There are so many people who have experienced sexual assault who are there to listen to your story and support you. You can heal from sexual assault and go on to have a healthy, pleasurable sex life in the future.

How can I help make our culture more consent-focused?

You can help to stop sexual assault and inspire healthier attitudes about sex. Talking about sex is still viewed as taboo, but we can change that. Talk to your friends about how important consent is. The more we have these conversations, the more normal they become.

If someone is making jokes about rape or engaging in “victim blaming,” step up and say “that’s not cool, and it’s not funny.” Not only are you helping to put an end to those harmful and ignorant comments, you may be empowering someone else in the room to step up the next time they witness something similar.

If it seems like someone you know has been the victim of sexual assault, listen to them and support them. It can be scary to have these hard conversations, but by being brave and pulling sexual assault out from the shadows, we can end it.

Brittany Hunt is a licensed clinical social worker at the Louisiana Foundation Against Sexual Assault, where she works educating professionals and the public on issues related to sexual assault response.