Anosognosia

i sit in a leather chair
skin completely covered
     (i hate leather)
and i come upon a realization
that i am,
in fact,
ill.

wednesday, february 3, 2021
my doctor told me i was
“on the brink of re-admission.”
i laughed him off and made an empty promise.
“this week will be different.”

one to three months before
death
you are likely to
sleep more often,
eat less,
withdraw.

thursday, february 4, 2021
my family therapist told me i was
“on track to go back to the hospital.”
i rolled my eyes and crossed my arms.
“my head is fine. i just feel
     (i avoid the word sick)
i feel unwell.”

friday, february 5, 2021
my personal therapist told me i was
“dealing with something greater than before.”
i picked at a hangnail.

monday, february 8, 2021
i sit in a leather chair
skin completely covered
     (i hate leather)
and i try to write.
my natural talent has all dried up.
i read for inspiration,
i bounce my legs incessantly,
i reach inside myself.

i come upon a realization
that i am,
in fact,
ill.

The highest chance of relapse for recovered anorexia nervosa patients is in the first 18 months post-residential treatment. The relapse rates are between 35 and 41%. Anosognosia is when a patient is in denial of their condition even when symptoms are present.

i shift into the second stage of grieving myself.