Grief

What is grief? I could give you a formal definition from the dictionary, but in my own personal experience, and in my work as a counselor, I define grief as:

The constellation of feelings and thoughts that come with an ending, beginning, transition, or change.

Grief is most often associated with death. While the loss of someone close is profound, it is not the only time we experience grief. Feelings of sadness, shock, anger, yearning, fear, anxiety, disappointment, guilt, regret, shame, or rejection can occur with many types of losses. When looking at life through a grief lens, every beginning has an end and every end a beginning. Breaking up with a friend or partner, moving to a new home or school, having an incarcerated parent, going through a divorce in the family… these are all examples of life events that can cause grief.

Our culture tends to tell us to “fix” negative feelings, and depending on the family communication style we were raised in, we may have learned that it is not okay to express our emotions. This can make it difficult to process how we are feeling.

As time continues without addressing feelings around a significant loss event, pent-up emotions can begin to surface in other ways, like acting out or engaging in potentially dangerous behavior such as sexual risk-taking or substance misuse. Often, adults do not make this connection. There is a saying that “time heals all wounds,” but some would argue that “time conceals all wounds.”

Grieving happens internally; mourning is the outward expression of our grief. When we don’t have a safe place or tools to mourn, we are forced to hold it all inside, which can lead to distress and even illness. Some would argue that we cannot move forward without safely expressing our thoughts and feelings, that there is no healing without moving through these uncomfortable experiences.
What recent research shows us is that the only way to move through grief is by feeling ALL the feelings around the loss. This may even include feelings that aren’t negative. For instance, if a person dies who was causing major disruption or was abusive, we may feel relieved. There might be things about a person we do not miss. That is okay, but we don’t always have a safe space to process these thoughts and feelings.

It is important to find that space through therapy, spiritual practice, or conversations with a trusted adult that will allow you to feel any and all of your emotions. Everyone grieves and mourns differently. You are allowed to feel whatever you are feeling.

Although the grief process is very personal and individual, it can be helpful to understand how people generally are able to move through grief. The psychologist J. William Worden developed a model for supporting people who are coping with the death of a loved one called “Four Tasks of Mourning”:

Task #1: Accepting the Reality of the Loss

The ability to come to terms with the loss is influenced by the circumstances surrounding the loss, the person’s age at the time of loss, how the loss is talked about in the family and community, and cultural norms around death and feelings. Some people, particularly children and young adults who struggle to express what the loss means to them, get stuck in the experience of the death and the trauma of the loss.

Things that can be helpful:

• Remembering the person through photographs and stories

• Talking about the person—what we miss, what we don’t miss

By doing this, we embody the life of the person rather than remain focused on the loss of the person.

PERSONAL EXPERIENCE

“My mother was diagnosed with a terminal illness when I was 15 and died when I was 18. I was so stuck on those last months of her decline and the excruciating pain of her death and absence. I was stuck in my grief. My family avoided talking about her because it was too painful for everyone. This created an environment where my mother basically did not exist at all anymore.”

Task #2: Processing the Pain

For many, this is where the real work lies. Grief is all-encompassing—mind, body, spirit—and to find a way to feel it all can be very scary. Again, depending on how we are taught to express ourselves or what is “allowed” in the household, we may not feel safe feeling it all.

Things that can be helpful:

• Creative outlets such as journaling, writing stories or poems, photography, music, dancing, or drawing

• Finding a supportive therapist, school counselor, mentor, spiritual leader, or family member who will hold space and allow you to process—without judgment—what you are feeling 

Bringing our internal experience to the external by finding ways to mourn can be extremely helpful.

PERSONAL EXPERIENCE

“I put my mother on a pedestal. I did not think it was fair to criticize her or be angry with her because she wasn’t here to defend herself. The first time I went to therapy (27 long years after she died), my therapist told me: ‘In order to fully grieve, you have to feel the good and the bad.’ That is what makes the person human. No person has only positive or negative aspects about them, and this can be true when we apply it to other types of losses.” 

When the outward expression of grief is self-destructive—such as self-harm or substance misuse—it can mean that the first and second tasks have not been completed. We may have “adjusted,” but it’s through unhealthy coping mechanisms. This can leave us feeling stuck and wondering why we are not feeling better even though time has passed.

Task #3: Adjusting to the World after the Loss

According to recent research about the grieving brain, it takes time to “recalibrate” or “get a new Google map” of what our world looks like after a loss. The absence affects our brain and creates physiological changes.

Things that can be helpful:

• Reminding yourself that adjusting to the absence takes time

• Allowing yourself to let the loss change your values, beliefs, relationships, and daily routines

It’s common to get stuck in this task—especially when we worry that adjusting means forgetting or not honoring the person who passed. Good news/bad news: Life is going to continue to move forward no matter what.

Everyone’s grief journey is different, and how long it takes to feel “better” or “ready to move on” is unique to them. Our culture likes us to hurry up and finish grieving so things can get “back to normal,” but adjusting to the new world happens at your own pace.

Task #4: Emotionally Relocating the Loss and Continuing to Live

Part of moving forward with life is through finding ways to remember and celebrate the person rather than acting as if they did not exist. Honoring their life allows us to envelop them and provides us with an opportunity to outwardly express the memories. At the same time, it’s important to put energy into relationships with those who are still around you and spend your time doing things that are good for you.

Note: If you are dealing with a different type of loss, you may still find Worden’s framework helpful. You can adapt the tasks to your particular experience with grief.

Meditating, being in nature, and breathing in fresh air can help us cope with grief. You may want to visit the Labyrinth in Audubon Park for a meditative journey. The design of the winding walkway is meant to help calm the mind and support healing. The Labyrinth entrance is just north of the Tree of Life in Audubon Park, off East Drive at Laurel Street.

RESOURCES & SUPPORT

In Person:

Motherless Daughters Support Group
For those who have experienced the loss of a primary caregiver prior to the age of 26
433 Metairie Road
2nd and 4th Tuesday of the month
5:30–6:30 p.m.
Cost: free

Trauma and Grief Center at Children’s Hospital
For children and adolescents, ages 0 to 21, who have experienced any form of trauma and/or the death of a loved one
210 State Street, Building 10
504-584-8433 (select option 5 to make an appointment)
Cost: reduced-cost therapy available

Virtual:

What’s Your Grief
Online community providing resources, information, and guidance
Whatsyourgrief.com

Camp Erin Online
Bereavement program for youth and their families grieving the death of a significant person in their lives
elunanetwork.org/camp-erin-online

Journals:

How To Carry What Can’t Be Fixed: A Journal for Grief by Megan Devine

Trauma and Grief Journal for Teen Girls: A Guided Journey of Healing, Resilience, and Self-Discovery in the Face of Trauma and Loss by Eveline RuiZ

“I realize that this may sound cliché, particularly for those with recent grief, but deep emotional experiences are what make us human. To truly be living the full human experience, we must embody ALL that it means to be human, including the painful parts.”