Heartbreak

Having your heart broken is brutal—no matter the circumstances. Whether it’s unrequited love, a fling that leaves you wanting more, or a breakup after a serious relationship, romantic heartbreak hurts (a lot) and can make us feel sad, angry, and hopeless. We interviewed a group of NOLA girls and women about their experiences with heartbreak and hope that their perspectives will help all of you out there who are currently experiencing a broken heart.

How I coped: I was able to cope eventually, but I don’t think anyone really moves on completely. When you dedicate yourself to a serious relationship, you give up a part of yourself. I just couldn’t stop thinking about what we had. The only future I saw was with them, and now that what we had was gone, I didn’t see a future at all. I let myself believe that I didn’t deserve a future without them, that I didn’t deserve a good life—and I didn’t surround myself with people to tell me otherwise. I blocked everything and everyone out. Music was my one savior. It had the words and emotions I didn’t know how to convey.

What I learned: Getting your heart broken, especially the first time, puts into perspective what you want out of life. You finally see who and what you expect for the rest of your life. Because of this past experience, I confidently knew what type of person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I became aware of what I am attracted to and who I want to attract.

How I’m doing now: I am in the best relationship I could ask for, honestly. It’s not easy and I still have the scars, but it’s worth it if it got me here. I feel like someone worthy of love. My new partner shows me just how worthy I am, and no one has ever done that before.

Advice: Sadness isn’t meant for you. You might feel like it is, you might blame yourself, you might only want sadness because it’s the only thing keeping you company. But it’s not made for you; you aren’t made to carry the weight of your heartbreak. Find yourself through this. Because for the first time, you aren’t tied to someone and that means you can be happy with yourself, because you deserve it. You aren’t meant to carry your heartbreak; you are meant to carry the joy that life brings. Even if it’s just a bit of joy, you are meant for everything good the world has to offer.

How I coped: I talked about it a lot with my closest friends. Being able to really communicate about it helped me process the pain that I was going through, and my friends’ perspectives helped me to see that there was more to focus on besides the heartbreak I was feeling. What didn’t help was that the person that hurt me still spent a lot of time with me. We would hang out a lot in a platonic way, and it made me hang on to him more. I used to think that being around him would help me see that he wasn’t as special as I made him out to be, but I ended up becoming even more attached to him.

What I learned: I’ve come to realize that both of us were seeking validation, and we found comfort in each other. Having known each other for years, we developed feelings and wanted to express them, while feeling loved. In a way, I’m glad our relationship happened the way it did. It allowed me to see the difference between a real, healthy, stable relationship and two people needing comfort from those they care for.

How I’m doing now: I haven’t been in a relationship or in love since, but I would like to be in the future. For now, I have taken a step back from romance and relationships to find my validation from within so my next relationship won’t be a repeat of this one. I’m happy now and I’m glad that he’s in a healthy relationship with someone who obviously cares a lot for him.

Advice: The pain that you feel right now doesn’t last forever. The feeling of heartbreak is all-consuming and it hurts an unbelievable amount. But one day, you’ll find someone even better. That person will love you, every part of you, and this horrible time will be like a nightmare forgotten in the presence of something better.

How I coped: I moved to Tucson, Arizona. The desert is a great place to ride out a heartache. I surrounded myself with people who loved me. I listened to music. I traveled. I figured out who I was without them. In the beginning, I was trying too hard to stay friends with my ex, to pretend like I was mature enough to be cool with everything. That didn’t serve me. It was important for me to take a break and heal on my own.

What I learned: Heartbreak is a fundamental part of the human experience. There’s nothing quite like it; it really stands on its own as an emotion. There’s no way to know what it’s like without going through it, and I learned so much about myself as I navigated those feelings. One of the most important and useful things that I learned is that I can get through really hard things. And that just because a relationship ends, it doesn’t mean it wasn’t worth it, or wasn’t beautiful, or wasn’t successful. I’m so grateful I had that experience and that love and that partner (though it didn’t feel that way at the time).

How I’m doing now: I’m grateful to have been in love several times since then.

Advice: Surround yourself with people who love you. Ride your feelings like waves, especially the hard ones. Whatever you’re feeling right now is okay.

How I coped: I hung out with my real friends who fed me cake and ice cream and we blasted angry music until we fell asleep. I had a few of these crying sessions and then focused on hanging out with the people who made me feel good about myself.

What I learned: I learned to trust my gut and to lean on the friends who were always there for me no matter what. True friendship, that is rooted in honesty and support, will always get you through the hard times. The girls who helped me through that heartbreak are still my best friends 23 years later.

How I’m doing now: I am doing great! I have a loving and supportive husband. Together, we have built a foundation of love, trust, and honesty.

Advice: Allow yourself to feel the hard feelings because sometimes the only way through the heartache is to sit with the pain for a bit. But don’t wallow too long—surround yourself with friends who make you feel good about yourself and who will feed you ice cream while you cry until you fall asleep!

How I coped: I kept myself distracted by spending time with family and friends and keeping up with my school and work schedule. I don’t think I allowed myself to heal properly; I just kept myself busy. I was not able to move on for a little over a year. It took that long to completely stop being affected when I thought of him or he was mentioned in a conversation. To be honest, I was lonely and tried to get back together with him at some point. I felt like I played myself even though we both agreed it wasn’t the same and it wasn’t working out. I would have healed sooner if I would have kept it real with myself. Eventually, I healed by taking an honest look at myself, mentally and emotionally, and questioning the ideals for romantic relationships I was raised with. It took years, but I’ve found self-care to be the best antidote. Love yourself first and trust that inner voice; it’s talking to you for a reason. You show others how you want to be loved by loving yourself first.

What I learned: We sometimes rely on others’ advice although we already know the answer. I learned that it’s okay to listen to others, but that any decision is mine. I also learned about boundaries—what I will and will not put up with. Heartbreak is a life experience that teaches a lesson if you are willing to learn. Heartbreak, in particular, helps you learn how to set healthy boundaries with anyone you invite into your life.

How I’m doing now: I love my life and have experienced many loving, healthy relationships since.

Advice: Having your heart broken hurts, but listening to the voice within and keeping it real with yourself can help carry you through the pain. It’s okay to take a break between relationships and focus on being your best you. Spending time alone is rough and a long journey, but you learn to appreciate yourself with each step.

How I coped: Having friends to talk to that listened—nonjudgmentally—and who I knew loved me unconditionally was key to my overcoming this breakup. These conversations allowed me to process things in different ways. I rose through it all with a motto that I still embrace today: “I don’t regret anything I have done or do if I learn from it.” In hindsight, there were no coping strategies because I didn’t realize what I gave up until it was gone. Sometimes they say it’s better to have love and loss than to not love at all. However, I beg to differ because they both hurt.

What I learned: I learned what love was and was not. Just because you are in love with someone doesn’t mean you won’t find love on another path or that this is the only love for you. I pay it forward by telling others: Love yourself and others will love you equally. It’s important to focus on you—because when you’re grounded, others will follow. Life experiences are everything; they shape who you are today and open doors to tomorrow.

How I’m doing now: Married! I fell in love with this beautiful woman about seven years ago, as a friend first and lover later. It has been life-altering to know that regardless of all obstacles, I will survive with her by my side. The foundation of love is friendship, a state of mutual trust and support. This is key. I know that she is my rock, ride-or-die friend, there to support me when needed and provide grace but also push me in the hardest of times. #HerLoveWon

Advice: When you’re going through a heartbreak, you feel like your book has closed, but it’s just a chapter. You have to push through and turn the page. Only you know your story, and eventually you will have someone to join as a co-author on this love journey. Don’t give up on your romance novel. Instead, trust the process.

How I coped: I had to cope with the pain of losing a friend, when I didn’t have many friends that were as close to me as this person was. Time and positive self-talk helped me heal. I was able to move on because I let myself let go of the relationship we had and the ideas I built in my head about what our relationship could’ve been if we were together. I just tried to continue to live my life by being around people who care about me and doing the things I enjoy. For a while, I tried to hate the person in order to protect my feelings, but that only helped for a little and felt useless in the end.

What I learned: Through that experience, I solidified core values I already had within myself. Not getting romantically involved with a friend was one of them and I broke that. It helped me learn that I’m a bit more emotionally immature than I’d like to admit, and it helped me understand that you have to be purposeful with who you share your heart and your kindness with.

How I’m doing now: I’m doing better now. I’ve recently found this proudness and strength within from how well I’m doing in school and how I’ve handled new responsibilities that come with growing up. I haven’t fallen in love or been in a relationship since then, but I honestly think that is for the best right now.

Advice: Know it’s okay to take time to heal—even if it doesn’t happen in a linear fashion. Be patient with yourself!

How I coped: During that time in my life, I often felt awkward, boring, self-conscious, frumpy, and full of self-doubt. I was haunted by the thought that if people really got to know me, they would eventually find something they didn’t like. When my girlfriends found out what had happened with P, they started the full onslaught to let me know what a terrible person he was—his arrogance, his greasy hair, his weird-looking face, how lame his jokes were, and how I deserved someone who was much nicer looking. While funny, that wasn’t helpful, as he was and probably still is a wonderful person. What did help was knowing that I was still loved and cared for, despite one person rejecting me. Since then, I have been through many more breakups, even a broken engagement. All were experiences I do not regret. Besides losing your person, you also lose your dream of the future you had imagined having together—and sometimes, losing the dream of what could have been is more painful than anything else.

What I learned: Sometimes the thing that draws us into a relationship is the hope that this new person will make us whole—and all of our self-doubt will magically go away once we meet the right person. That if we meet the right person, we will be beautiful, interesting, strong, loving, smart, and all the things we felt were lacking. In my experience, this is how you get into dangerous territory and is a sign that you might need to pause and make sure that, no matter what, you know that you are beautiful, interesting, strong, loving, and smart on your own, and that no one else can make you feel more or less so.

How I’m doing now: I’m in a loving, healthy relationship with my current partner because I already know that I am VERY interesting and QUITE wonderful with or without him (overconfident much??, he would laugh). We can share fully and without fear all the things in our hearts—from small annoyances and hurt feelings to our deepest hopes and dreams.

Advice: Emotional pain (grief, sadness, fear, loneliness, and shame) is part of life. The more we feel it fully, embrace it, the more it will dissolve on its own so that you can experience love again with an open heart.

How I coped: I cried. I let all those emotions out by screaming and crying. It felt good. I tried talking to him again to get out my last words, but it only made me feel worse and fall for him more. Eventually, I was able to move on by keeping myself busy and distracted to the point I forgot he existed.

What I learned: I’m a stronger person than I was two years ago. I don’t let boys treat me like an object anymore. It healed me and shaped me. I am more confident in myself and know who I should let into my life and who I shouldn’t. And I don’t let anything boys tell me change my perspective.

How I’m doing now: I am doing fabulous now. I am in love with myself. I am learning more and more about myself and how much love I have for me. Will I fall in love again? Hopefully… if I find the one who understands me and loves me for me.

Advice: It’ll be okay. Do not forget who you are or your worth. You are more confident and stronger than the heartbreak you are going through. It’s okay to cry while eating ice cream right now, but soon it will be time to boss up and do what makes you happy.

How I coped: I surrounded myself with my friends and family to not isolate myself. I also found it helpful to delete pictures or texts that made it difficult to get over the relationship. One thing that made it more difficult to work through the breakup was texting him. After a breakup, in my opinion, it’s more helpful to distance yourself from the person because if you’re not, it can feel like you’re still dating them and you can get attached again.

What I learned: I learned that it’s okay for relationships to end and to take breakups at your own pace. Going through the process of a breakup made me analyze the relationship and get a better idea of what I want in a relationship.

How I’m doing now: It’s been a long time since we dated so I’m doing very well now. I’ve actually been dating someone else for a few months and it’s going great.

Advice: You are going to be okay, no matter how serious or long the relationship was! If you want to be in love again, you’re going to find someone else at the right time. But it’s also okay to be sad or work though a heartbreak for as long as it takes; there is no right timeline.

My experience: My first memory in a long list of heartbreaks is from seventh grade. I was in love with a boy named Frank. He didn’t go to my school, but we were close friends. We used to talk on the phone for hours most nights after school, so much so that my parents got sick of my constant monopoly on their landline and got me my own. I invited Frank to my school’s spring semi-formal dance. I still remember what I wore—a champagne-colored cocktail dress with strappy heels. I was young for my grade and was late to grow into my body, so my twiggy legs made me look like a baby giraffe learning to walk for the first time! I remember the dance itself as being fairly uneventful, but what followed was far from it. A few weeks after the dance, my best friend at the time, Chrissie, confessed that she had something big to tell me: She had had her first kiss! Excitedly, I asked for more details, which I’d instantly come to regret. She had made out with Frank, who she knew was my first love, outside of the cafeteria the night of the dance. I don’t know what was worse—the confirmation of Frank’s unrequited love or my best friend’s betrayal. I told Chrissie that I needed a beat to process my feelings. When I was ready, I confronted Frank and shared that he had hurt me. I stopped talking to him after that, which was probably best for my mental health and self-confidence. It definitely made things easier that we went to different schools; he was easy to avoid. Chrissie and I repaired things through a lot of talking and rebuilding trust. She took full responsibility for her mistake and I forgave her. I don’t know where Frank is today, but I’d like to imagine that I’m a lot cooler and more successful than he is!

How I coped: Looking back, I’m impressed by how true I was to my needs. I talked to Frank and told him how he made me feel. I didn’t harbor ill will towards him but decided that I needed to move on from our friendship because I liked him more than a friend and also didn’t really trust him anymore. I didn’t let Chrissie off easy but forgave her because I cherished our friendship and we both took steps to rebuild our foundation of trust.

What I learned: With Frank (and Chrissie), I learned how important it is for me to have mutual respect in my relationships, whether friendships or romantic relationships. Relationships should add value to our lives; they can challenge us and encourage us to grow, but they shouldn’t make us feel unworthy or ashamed.

How I’m doing now: I’m pleased to report that I’ve been in several fulfilling relationships since then. I’ve been married for four years to Jeff, whom I began dating over a decade ago! Our relationship, like most, goes through periods of challenge and ease, but I’m proud that we can always rely on our foundation of mutual trust and respect.

Advice: If there’s a theme that connects my experiences with heartbreak, it’s the temporary effect that they had on my self-worth. Having my heart broken made me feel periodically less-than and even ashamed. If I could approach my past with the wisdom and self-confidence of my present, I would remind myself of how brave I was to open myself up to love and that no matter how difficult things feel in the present, most things really do heal with time.

We are immensely grateful to the fabulous girls and women who contributed to this feature. Thank you, ladies, for your vulnerability and wisdom!