Make Bullying Stop

Bullying seems to have become so normalized in our culture that, at times, it’s almost treated as some kind of rite of passage in schools and even in some jobs. So, it can be hard to recognize that bullying is NOT OK, no matter how “normal” it may seem. And do you know who, in particular, plays an extremely powerful role in calling out and eliminating bullying? YOU.

Teasing vs. Taunting

It’s true. When kids and teens recognize, call out, and stand up to bullying, it stops. One of the first steps in this process is understanding the difference between taunting and teasing. Often, bullying is minimized by saying the person is “just teasing.” But teasing is what happens between actual friends for actual fun. The person who is being teased should also be enjoying the teasing. If they aren’t, then they should feel comfortable telling their friend to please stop it, and their friend should stop, since the intention isn’t to upset them but to have fun.

Taunting is very, very different. Taunting often happens between people who aren’t really friends. Usually, the person doing the taunting has more power than the person who is being taunted. For example, the person doing the taunting could be older, more popular, stronger, or even just physically bigger than the person whom they are taunting. Taunting is not innocent, and it doesn’t stop—in fact, it often worsens—when the person being taunted gets upset. That’s because the point of taunting is NOT for everyone to have a good time and laugh together; the point is to laugh AT someone and gain power over them in doing so.

Bullying Comes in Many Forms

When we think of bullying, we often think of physical harm (e.g., someone hitting or kicking someone), but physical bullying is not the most common type of bullying. Focusing solely on this type of bullying often leads people to overlook the many other types of bullying that exist, like verbal, relational, sexual, and cyber-bullying. The most common type of bullying is verbal bullying (e.g., name-calling). Among girls, the type of bullying that is most common and often goes unseen is relational bullying, which can also happen online. This kind of bullying involves purposefully ignoring, isolating, or shunning someone and is frequently experienced most dramatically during middle school. It can look like intentionally not inviting someone to a sleepover, telling others not to talk to or interact with someone, or anything at all that intentionally excludes someone.

School rules about bullying often only address physical or verbal bullying, and rules about hitting and name-calling don’t apply to relational bullying, so this type of very damaging bullying often goes unseen (especially by adults) and unaddressed. To be clear, this doesn’t mean we can’t have social boundaries or preferences. Respectfully stating our needs is fine (actually, it’s great!), but consistent exclusion of someone is NOT ok. As they say at many primary schools: find a way for everyone to play.

SO, WHAT CAN I DO?

By this point, you may be asking yourself, What can I do? The answer is: be an UPSTANDER. A bystander is someone who stands by while bullying is going on. An upstander is someone who stands UP for the person being bullied. Standing up for someone can take many forms. It’s not only getting in the middle of a fight to defend the person being targeted. It’s also refusing to exclude someone just because others are. It’s not laughing when someone is taunting someone else. It’s inviting someone who is being excluded to sit with you at lunch or asking that person to come over after school. It’s also teaching peers who are bullying that it’s not ok to trample the basic human rights of others. For example, you could say something like, “You can come to my party, but only if you stop making fun of Jessica.” Being an upstander also is reporting bullying behavior to school staff and parents and making sure they don’t write it off as “teasing.”

In cases of cyber-bullying, the first thing you can do is DM the person who is being targeted to see how they are doing, tell them how wonderful they are, and ask how you can help. Report the harmful content to the social media site or app it was posted on and encourage (or even help) the person being targeted to report it, as well as other people who have seen the post, so it’s taken down faster. Additionally, you can call it out on the post directly by writing something like “Bullying is not ok” or “NOT COOL!”, adding a negative emoji of your choice, or even just giving it a thumbs down. You can also help your friend talk to their parents, teachers, or other trusted adults to let them know what is going on so action can be taken on that level as well. Remind your friend that people who have been the target of bullying often need therapy or counseling to help them through the experience. Support those who are being bullied by helping them ask for the help they need from the trusted adults in their lives.

“Among girls, the type of bullying that is most common and often goes unseen is relational bullying.”

Getting Help

If you find yourself in the very difficult situation of being bullied without any upstanders to help, report what is happening to teachers, parents or other trusted adults. This can ensure that you get help immediately, that there are appropriate consequences for the person doing the bullying, and that systems are put in place for that type of bullying to be less likely to happen again. Ask for the love you need—whether it’s an extra hug or a list of all the things that are amazing about you. If you are feeling depressed or suicidal, tell someone immediately. You can tell a trusted adult or call a hotline, like 1-800-273-TALK (8255), where you can speak to someone immediately and anonymously.

Remember that this pain, no matter how bad, is temporary, and that you truly are beautiful and special. Nothing anyone does or says can take that away from you. Also, if others—or even you yourself—try to get you to “let it go” or tell you that this is “no big deal,” know that holding people accountable for the emotional and physical pain they have caused brings about positive change in the world.

“A bystander is someone who stands by while bullying is going on. An upstander is someone who stands UP for the person being bullied.”

It can be helpful to keep in mind that bullies need to feel power, and one’s responses to bullying behavior such as name-calling can either give the bully more power (“You’re ugly.” “No, I’m not!”) or diffuse that power (“No one likes you.” “[nonchalantly] Hm, maybe you’re right.”) There is a great video on YouTube called “How to Stop a Bully” from Brooks Gibbs that gives examples of how to respond to being taunted. However, this approach doesn’t really work as well for relational bullying and should NOT be used for physical bullying. Physical bullying is ASSAULT and should be reported not just to adults but also to the authorities.

It’s important to remember that some adults aren’t always clear on the difference between teasing and taunting. Most adults today grew up in a world where bullying was normalized. We often see bullying among adults and even in high profile jobs like in politics. You can actually play a huge role in TEACHING ADULTS to see that teasing is very different from taunting and that TAUNTING = BULLYING.

Trust your inner knowing when you see that taunting is going on. Others might not want to get involved and try to tell you that it’s just harmless teasing. Know that you know better and then trust that knowing and take action. Don’t ever allow someone to tell you that a person “deserves” to be bullied—that’s just a way for people to justify what they’re doing by dehumanizing the person they are bullying. It also helps people justify standing by instead of standing up for people.

The more people actually stand up to bullying, the less power bullying has, and the less it happens. In the end, YOU actually have the power to end bullying and make your world—and the entire world—a place where everyone’s humanity is seen and respected. And that is pretty awesome.

“Don’t ever allow someone to tell you that a person ‘deserves’ to be bullied—that’s just a way for people to justify what they’re doing by dehumanizing the person they are bullying.”

Dr. Aniko Greger is an integrative pediatrician and holistic postpartum consultant. She completed University of Arizona’s Fellowship in Integrative Medicine and Tulane University and Ochsner Medical Center’s Pediatric Residency Program, where she served as chief resident, and is board certified in pediatrics. Dr. Greger lives in New Orleans and loves traveling, being outdoors, running, dancing, yoga, music, and spending time with her amazing family and friends. You can contact her via her website, draniko.wordpress.com.