Social Anxiety

Arya loved going to school. She had lots of friends and was getting okay grades. She was on the tennis team and enjoyed practice and matches. On the weekends, she would hang out with friends at parties or sleepovers. Arya noticed that when making plans with her friends, her heart started beating faster and her chest seemed tight. At first, she pushed through this feeling and thought it was just the regular worry that everyone felt.

Weeks later, the physical symptoms would not just happen when making plans, but when she was even thinking about going to parties with friends. Her thoughts would race: What if I don’t wear the right shoes? What if I don’t know anyone at the party? What if my ex is there? What if I look fat in my outfit?

Arya became scared of doing anything with her friends. One day when her friends came to pick her up, she felt frozen. She couldn’t get out of bed and asked her dad to tell her friends that she was sick. This wasn’t true, but she couldn’t face her friends. She was paralyzed by the fear of going out in public. The next day, she couldn’t go to school. Her dad called in sick for her again. Arya dreaded going to school and started getting less sleep.

Signs that you might be dealing with social anxiety:

This is a list of some of the signs that I have seen with my clients dealing with social anxiety. If you don’t see something you’re dealing with here, that’s okay! Social anxiety is specific to each person because we’re all unique in the way we experience the world.

• You are afraid of meeting new people or going into social situations
• You avoid social gatherings or even thinking about them
• You spend a lot of time thinking about the what-ifs of a social event
• You think negatively about yourself, your classwork, or how others think about you
• You worry about presenting or performing and sometimes really can’t do it

Note: If you experience frequent sudden and unexpected feelings of panic, you may be dealing with panic attacks. Panic attacks are different from social anxiety because they often don’t have a clear trigger, such as giving a presentation or meeting new people. The physical experience of a panic attack can be terrifying and may feel like a wave of fear is washing over you, your heart is going to beat out of your chest, or as if you are dying. Panic attacks usually require the help of a mental health professional.

How to cope:

Here are some of my favorite strategies. We all cope in different ways, so you may have to try a few strategies until you find the ones that work best for you. These strategies will take patience, time, and practice. Don’t get discouraged!

Square or box breathing
Breathe in for 4 seconds, hold for 4 seconds, breathe out for 4 seconds, then hold your breath again for 4 seconds. Repeat as needed. This will help you regain control of your breath.

Draw your breath
Grab your favorite drawing tool and draw your breath as you slow down and regain control of your breath. I like using something that glides smoothly on the paper, like a colored pencil or oil pastel. Pick a color that resonates with your emotions!

Be your own cheerleader
Speak kindly to yourself. Something as simple as “I can do this” or something more specific to your situation. In Arya’s case, she may want to tell herself, “I will have my best friend right by my side at the party.” Repeat this in your head until you feel calmer and more in control.

Practice
If presenting is scary and overwhelming, practice your presentation ahead of time. You can do this in the mirror or record it as a video or voice memo on your phone—whatever feels right for you.

Move your body
Go for a walk—notice the smells, the things you see, and the feeling of your feet hitting the ground. This will bring you back to the present.

Ask for help
Find a friend or adult who can listen or be with you through these feelings. Sometimes, just sharing space with someone can be enough to help.

You may be reading this article and thinking that you identify with Arya’s experience or that you are dealing with SA in other ways. My advice: Go see a mental health professional. Your school counselors and social workers can help you day-to-day. Maybe there’s a SA group at school or you can suggest that they start one. If SA is causing significant difficulty in your life, talk to your parents or caregivers and let them know that you want to see a mental health professional to learn more skills and strategies to support you. SA can improve over time with the right people to help!