THE SAVAGE MAKEOVER: Self-Esteem

THE WORD “SAVAGE” means wild or uncontrollable. A Savage Makeover is unlike any makeover you know; it’s got nothing to do with changing your bedroom, makeup, or hair. A Savage Makeover is about your mood, thoughts, and feelings. Whether you want to or not, you – and all other teenagers – will experience a Savage Makeover because of the changes your body and brain go through during the teenage years. Being an adolescent can be challenging and leave you feeling crazy at times. I am here to help you understand the “savagery” a bit better so you can take advantage of these years and emerge a better you.

I have looked at you
in millions of ways and I
have loved you in each
– Haiku

I DON’T KNOW who wrote the haiku on the left, but I love it—it says so much in so few words. What do you think it means upon your first reading of it?

Please think about it for one moment.

Some Signs of
Low Self-Esteem

• You tend to be very hard on yourself.
• You find it difficult to recover from missteps or embarrassing experiences.
• You often isolate yourself when things get difficult.
• Concerns about how you look or how popular you are have overtaken your mind.
• You worry a lot about what others think of you.

When you were younger, you began to develop an opinion of yourself based on how others, such as your family, friends, and teachers, treated you. If you felt loved for simply being you, you likely developed high self-worth, or an “enduring value of self.” With high self-worth, bad days come and go with aplomb (or ease) because you’ve internalized the love others have shown you. When you have been valued by others without conditions—imperfections and all—you naturally develop the confidence to be vulnerable. You aren’t afraid of failing or embarrassing yourself because you know those who matter will be there for you no matter what. In contrast, you can’t be loved unconditionally if you hide your flaws and project perfection because you don’t give others the chance to know the real you. When that happens, you also don’t give yourself the chance to develop self-worth.

Without self-worth, you may feel the need to be perfect, or engage in activities you don’t really want to engage in, to be accepted by others. You are likely to prioritize what you think others value instead of being true to yourself. When you believe that certain “achievements” (such as constantly posting flawless selfies, maintaining a super high GPA, or doing whatever the “perfect” girls are doing) are the only way to attain the love of others, things can spiral into a constant state of irrational worry, loneliness, and helplessness, making it harder for you to succeed and notice your successes when they do happen. See the vicious cycle?

All of this brings us back to the haiku. Do you feel like you’ve seen your “million” imperfect ways and loved yourself in each one? The haiku holds the key for improving not only your self-esteem, but more importantly, your self-worth. When you accept your biggest flaws, when you forgive your mistakes and accept there will be many more, you no longer need validation from others. When you know that you are worthy, you bounce back quickly from negative experiences because you no longer hold yourself to unrealistic standards and truly love your authentic self.

Dr. Sarah Fontenelle

Developmental Specialist
Sarah is a native New Orleanian who earned her doctorate in experimental psychology at Tulane University. She is also a graduate of the University of Southern Mississippi, Millsaps College, and Mount Carmel Academy. Her Healthy Purpose in life is to empower others to dream big and achieve their greatest goals, which is why she’s currently working toward licensure for independent practice in psychology. When she is not helping clients or studying, she enjoys writing music with her husband, giggling with her 3-year-old twin daughters, and walking along the levee by the river in her secret gem of a neighborhood, Holy Cross.